My fat ex use to fart around me all the time. He would stand next to me while I watch tv or pass by me and let one rip and then smile as he walked away. One day during winter we were in bed under a bunch of sheets. I heard him fart one of those long and hot farts and he said "muahaha" so I quickly got up and put the sheets over his head and held him under his atomic fart and told him "muahaha that, b**ch!". He begged for mercy but I had enough of his smelly a**!
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I like to get my girl in the mood for some late night "coffee" by getting naked and only wearing a pair of plastic glasses with missing lenses. Once she sees my magnificent body I proceed with a luring mating dance which she can't resist. Eventually she gives in and calls me over to bed. Works every time.
Sometimes when I'm in public (commuting, etc.), if someone ticks me off... I get my personal revenge by walking by them quickly, pointing my a** in their direction and sending a fart their way. I walk away right before they realize with a filthy reddit smile on my face.
I remember when I was in first or second grade I was coloring with this girl I liked. I remember seeing in cartoons that when a guy liked a girl he would hold her hand and kiss it. Well I tried that and you know what happened? She yells out "TEACHER TEACHER HE KISSED ME!!" and the teacher (who was a female) pulled me aside and explained to what sexual harassment is and that I could go to jail! I never kissed another girl for a while after that. I was afraid and thought they were evil people.
I was shopping at home depot and asked an employee where I could find a pair of ear protectors to reduce the noise level for days that I work at home. The guys asked me If I had a loud machine. I wanted to say... yeah my wife, but she was standing next to me.